I realized today that my past pain and hurt can reappear, instantly. This pain was just a phone call away. When I answered the call I had no idea what or who was on the other end. What I discovered is that my pain from the past was uncovered in one sentence. “Am I crazy” she asked. She began telling me her story and what she was going through. The details are not the important part of this phone call. What is important is that we had a connection even though we had never met. She needed to know she was okay and my past allowed me to give her information that helped validate what she was feeling and left her knowing she was okay and she is strong.
As I hung up the phone I found myself shaking and remembering. I remembered the emotional turmoil I felt every day. I remembered the twisted way I thought about myself and how my confidence and self-esteem had diminished to nothing. It only takes an event, a person, or a crisis to take the wind out of our sails and send us into a downward spiral. It has taken many years but today I realized how far I had come. I am reminded of how vulnerable all humans are too emotional, physical, sexual abuse, a traumatic event, death of a loved one, financial ruin, or loss of relationship or career.
The ending for me was heart wrenching and I had days I wasn’t sure I wanted to go on. As a matter of fact I had days I thought about death more than life. I couldn’t wait to sleep because that was my escape. To begin again meant I had to accept what had happened and learn to live with the pain instead of trying to escape the pain. All of this pain came back in one phone call. However, I know now that my beginning is to be there for others going through something similar. I hope to give strength when there is none, I hope to give validation and direction when the thought of moving is devastating, I hope to offer support when it is difficult to stand up. We all have endings and beginnings. I hope we can learn to take our endings and turn these experiences into a light for someone else. May your new year bring you peace and happiness.